The Smiley & the Swirly People
I have known church since before I knew God. Each Sunday as a child, my mom would dress me and my sister up, and as a family we would go to church. Inside, were lots of smiling people.
There, I learned quickly about the woman that God wanted me to be. I tried so very hard to smile a lot, and nod at the men when they talk, and be grateful, so very grateful. All of the women were doing this and I wanted to be like them; the person God wished I was. I thought heaven was a place reserved for the smiling people.
If I’m honest though, I am not and never have been a smiling person. I’m a swirly person. Let me explain, here’s the truth:
The rain makes me feel relieved.
Sadness has always secretly felt like my superpower.
I suck at pleasantries. I can’t fake love, I want to mean it even if all that is required of me that day is a smile. I just simply won’t be able to do it if I don’t mean it.
I don’t think positivity and honesty can always coexist.
I feel things deeply and intensely. The true and beautiful and horrible all the same. Some days this is exhausting-but always a breeding ground for any creativity that comes out of me.
Emotions are always swirling around in a black and purple and sparkly abyss in my head. It’s horrible and I love it.
I have spent the majority of my life being frustrated by my inability to be a smiley person, resenting the people it came easy to.
One of the people I love most in this life is a smiley person. While we were growing up, I thought she was faking it all because I could never make myself quiet as positive or sparkly as her. I know now that none of it was an act. She is all the good in this world, exactly the person I’ve always needed. She has an ease of access to the joy of the Father. I see it in moments like this:
She is walking into church, this is and always has been the place she belonged most. She smiles at the people inside, meaning it each time. Honoring and seeing the best parts of each person and each moment here. There is nothing to think about here beyond what she knows to be true-she is rock solid. She is utterly herself, connected to the joy, to the mission set before her. Her face is sore from the smiling when she leaves, but she wouldn’t have it any other way.
The joy has never come easy to me. Instead, here’s a similar moment for me:
I am sitting in my weekly small group on a blue chair in a circle of girls. Everyone is talking, I am sinking. I saw something on my phone moments before that stopped everything in me. What I saw touches the deepest parts of me, I’m now here, surrounded by people, longing. This longing is a familiar feeling. It happens when I see things truly heartbreaking, when I sit still with God, but also when I see or experience anything true and beautiful. I think it’s me longing for God, Eden maybe. These things feel like a piece of God on earth, like a minute of tangible communion, connection. I don’t really know. I just know I live from one of these moments to the next.
Walking with my sissy has taught me how much more of the picture we get to see together. How much more beautiful, expansive, individualized this life with God is then religion has made it out to be. I don’t resent her ease of access to the Father anymore. I am grateful I get to love someone who shares it with me & instead, I honor the ease of access I have been given to the depth of the father. I won’t keep fighting to be the woman I think God wants me to be, I will be the one he made me as.
To the smiley people, keep being all the good in this world, the joy that is flowing from the father to you, out onto all of us. We need you & are eternally grateful.
To the swirly people, we won’t let our fear make us gatekeepers. We will stop trying so hard to show up as good and instead we will keep showing up as honest even if we don’t look like the smiley people when we do. Because we know this, God on earth really only dealt with the broken and the honest people, which are the same people. Our commitment to the true and beautiful things of this world will give others permission to show up as all that they are. We will stay moved by it ALL & do our best to play nice with others. Most of all, we will wake up each day to meet with the Father soul to soul. We will get close enough to touch Him and take what we find there to the people out here.
So I will show up and hope the smiling people do too. I will decide I am not disqualified by them and do all I can to abandon the doctrine that taught me this. If we want heaven to touch earth, we must deem church and the places in between as places for both the smiley and the swirly people. We must ALL belong here, with each other and God. We will all show up- because grace is a free for all.
I will choose this. I will choose on earth as it is in heaven. Because I know that the gospel is best expressed not when I love people that are like me, but when I love the smiling people.