on trusting the Inviter
Secrets of the Secret Place
8/14/2022
I sit, close my eyes, breathe deep, and expect to be with God.
Instead-my mind is racing, reaching. With each breath, I await the calm my soul has been craving. I can’t settle myself; I can’t get still inside.
My mind wanders to the event happening only a quarter mile away from where I sit now, on the balcony of my apartment. This is an event I should be at, that I am expected to be at. I assume God wants me in that big room full of good intentioned people. A worship night at the church I have loved, for the person I love, seems like the place God would want me. I start to wonder what God must think of me being here, and not there.
Then, there You are. The steadiness that anchors my mind. The peace that restores my soul. I am filled by the sweet, all-encompassing relief of being close to You.
“Is it possible,” I ask, “that You show up here even though I didn’t show up there?”
The answer is immediate, it has been with me all day.
My choice to show up here, instead of there, was decided by the nudge I had felt all day. I was drawn in by the undoubted invitation. Drawn in by the Great Inviter, always asking that I do this thing one thing-trust the invitation.
So, the answer is yes, especially here. I was being drawn away from my own religiosity and my attachment to the woman I thought God and the good intentioned people wished I was. On a day where I am utterly aware of my inadequacies, where going there would only have left me feeling further from God than I did when I entered. Instead, You draw me here, straight into Your arms.
I almost missed You. I almost went to that big building, where I thought you wanted me to be. I almost spent this holy hour there, wishing I was like them, like the good intentioned people. I almost participated and pretended. All to convince them of us, that I am a person You love. All to be worthy again. I expected You to want me there, but You invited me here.
We spend this next hour, utterly together.
I wonder what I would be surprised by if I stopped deciding and expecting You to only pull me towards the things dressed like church. What would this love look like if I looked for You-not the things I have associated with you. If I sought you, not the people and places that claim to hold You. You, not the security of being loved by or approved of by Your people. What if I trusted the invitation from a God good enough to show up wherever I am as exactly whatever I need?
If we are honest, we know the difference. It is deep in our bones. Settling in; soft, strong, sweet, and ours for the taking.
It strikes me that this time We share is not another thing for me to accomplish or another thing for me to do today-it is everything.
For the first time this week, I am ALIVE again.
Logan Burgess