Rockstar God

I meet God with heavy eyes this morning. I had an exhausting night of sleep where I was reminded of so many things that make me show up to this day remembering, replaying, & hurting. Pain has a way of convincing me to not meet with God, but I choose to steep my hot tea and sit anyways.

I am remembering the reason I am here.

I’ve been taught I was created for the sole purpose of worshiping Him. As to say we were all created by God because of something we can do for Him. As if the God we believe in is some type of egotistical rockstar that needs our worship. I used to believe in a Rockstar God.

Today, I believe that God created us to love us. We exist this day, and each day, as the object of His affection.

When I consider this desire in God to love and be loved it is familiar. This desire for connection runs deep in me. I feel this longing to love and be loved in my blood. 

I’ve decided this thing was passed to me from the Father and consider that we might not have taken this made in His image thing quite far enough.

The way God exists as the trinity just might be one of my favorite things passed down. We too, exist as trinitarians; Created with a body, mind, and spirit.

I feel most connected to the Father when I get still in my soul. I feel Him on the keys of pianos and on mornings where I am the only one awake yet and some days at crowded bars. He lives in the deepest parts of me and if I can get still enough and alone enough, I am sure to connect with Him.

The boy that I love connects with God through the body. He needs to get to the gym each day like I need to sink each morning. I am guilty of punishing him for not being like me. When I go without sinking I feel the same frantic I remember seeing in him when the pandemic hit and the gyms closed. I boxed up God in my expectations and experiences and good intentions and wished for him to connect with God in the way I did because I thought it was the only way. I have imagined God to only move in the silent sinking places, but I know now He also moves on the turf of a gym and through nature and music and podcasts and the pages of books. The Father is much more than we expect him to be. 

I don’t pray for him to desire the quietness I need to survive anymore. I don’t try to be let in on the secrets between him and God. I let the secret place be secret and trust that it is closer than EACH of our breath. We were created in an image that is so vast. I hold tight to the truth that this walk is not one size fits all and cherish that each of us are wired so differently and specifically for the same connection.

I decide to abandon my ideas about the rockstar god I have believed in. 

I trade in my rockstar god for a Father that is committed to connection with me.