F Bombs

I’m on a coffee date at a wings restaurant. I am sitting across from an “are you free? I need to talk”. She opens our conversation with “Well, there are simply not enough F bombs I could string together to encompass how I feel”. It was a lovely conversation starter and an honest one at that. She tells me about the unimaginable pain she is walking through. She is craving loyalty and love and to be told she is not crazy. Her people are falling short on all accounts. In fact the F bomb anger is not even for the person who caused all the pain, its for the loved ones whose love is not getting to her because of an effort to “love everyone” and not choose sides. She can’t feel their love with the knife in her back. She feels like she can’t give love with the knife in her back. I understand this.

I have been learning about my river. The river of love and forgiveness and grace that flows from the Father-to me, then out of me-to them. Whoever them is that day is not up to me.

In my river there are rocks, so many rocks. Rocks like un-forgiveness and deep hurt. My rocks impede loves flow. I’m practicing dealing with my rocks, throwing them out one by one. I want to tell her about HER river but I don’t. I know she doesn’t need to hear the word forgiveness right now, she just needs to be heard.

I understand because I fight with love too. I feel it swirling and wrestling behind the rocks in my river. I am unable to pretend that what is happening in my life and everyone’s life is not happening. I cannot participate in smiles with backstabbers and hellos with heartbreakers. I cannot fake my love. I need to feel the truth like I need to exhale.

Still, I find there are things that need settling each morning and most times it’s the same things over and over again. There are rocks to be pulled out of the river, love that needs to be released, not held.

Love was not held from me. And that statement doesn’t guilt me into forgiveness. It empowers me to get with the Truth Teller and let him teach me how. One rock at a time.